Hot Skully

I have one hot skull.
It has consistently been in the 90s all week and I can't even let a turd out without sunburning my anus. Even Gertrude is on strike: she hasn't done a perimeter tour in over a week (her pay will be docked, mark my words!) Ramona lays around being fat all day, but that's no different than normal, except that she keeps leaving her hair all over my stuff--in my food dish, on my bed, on my toothbrush...the shedding has got to stop!
Whatever. I don't even feel like talking to the world today because my skull is boiling. I need an icepack and a Corona.

Gertrude the Enforcer

Gertrude is the biggest skull in town. She takes care of perimeter defense. Although I am in charge, Gertrude is the brawn that scares away all intruders. She's big and dumb and orange, and her anus is purple, just like her tongue, so at least she is color coordinated.
When I'm on holiday, Gertrude takes care of the household duties, like cleaning up after the Boy, making sure the toilet paper roll is positioned properly, and painting Megan's toenails. Gertrude hates having her picture taken because she is a Native, and that means that everytime I snap a photo of her, a little piece of her soul is taken away; that's why she always looks so pissed. But don't let her fool you, Gertie really is a happy skull, and good at her job, but like I said before, she's big and orange with a purple anus, so you can't expect much from a skull like that.
Gertrude also babysits Ramona, which is a good things because if she didn't, then I would have to kill Ramona. A full-grown, Nobel Prize-winning Wonder Skull doesn't have time for degenerates like Ramona to interrupt her thesis writing. It's a travesty that the Lou wasn't drowned at birth like her other brothers and sisters. Ramona is an ethnic Mormon. I'm going to mail her back to Salt Lake City one of these days.

Hot Pics Part Deux

That's my bootie. Its' hot like lava.

Special Kind of Love

My Best Friend

My Worst Enemy


The boy is an enigma to most, but I understand him like no other. Behind his calm resolve lies a heart so big that it can only express itself in bursts of extreme emotion (mostly love). His discipline, though startling and unpredictable, is necessary for making me a better skull. I'm not perfect, and sometimes need a nudge in the right direction. Help! he turned his back. This post is being written under the full force of das BOOT!
Never have I met a kinder, more concerned boy than the Boy. With only a smile and a twinkle in his eye, he can heal any bruise he may inflict upon me!

Ramona is a Whore

I just found a magazine hidden under Ramona's bed.
It's called "Hot Bitch" and she's the centerfold! I should have know that tart would try something like this to get attention: Ramona has very low self-esteem. Look at these things...they're horrific! That coy smile tells me that she's begging for some love and affection. It makes a Wonder Skull very dissappointed. After having the rights of skulls come so far, Ramona has to go and pose for "Hot Bitch." It's a sad day for Skulls everywhere.

A Double-Triple Dose of Skull

This is me giving a lecture to the Foreign Embassy on the importance of conserving our natural resources. I was given a standing ovation and some cupcakes.

















I'm ready for my close-up!

Rainy Day

This Skull hates a rainy day because my paws get all soggy and Megan yells at me when I track mud in. I try to blame it on Ramona (because she has long ballet toes and can therefore pick up more dirt and track mud through the house even better than I can) but it never works because Megan is always on Ramona's side. No fair! Ramona just lays there all fat and hairy with her lolling eyes and freakishly long tongue and Megan doesn't say a word. Where as I, poor Wonder Skull, get banished to the kitchen to sit on my mat and think about what I've done...Soon I will devise a plan to rid the world of all Ramonas. It will involve electricity, some potatoes, a burlap sack, a red Radio Flyer wagon, and the river. The they will forget all about Ramona because I will tell them that she got sick of being so fat and hairy and killed herself by playing in traffic (because Ramona is stupid, and would do something like that). Then this Skull will be the only one who gets showered with affection and presents, just like the old days.

An Open Letter to the Boy

Dear Boy,
It has come to my attention that I am sorely lacking incertain creature comforts such as love, and petting, and extra treats on the weekends. I believe as the one and only Wonder Skull that this matter should be addressed tout suite! As I speak for all of the bitches in this house, it is imperitive that a skull gets the love she deserves, be it in scratches behind the ear, playing fetch, or in the shunning of Ramona at every chance (which brings this skull so much quiet joy). I promise, therefore, that if the aformentioned acts are not promptly carried out, I will terrorize you and Megan until I receive these things. Please include a snack of cheese in with these demands-- sharp cheddar or baby swiss will not suffice, I need some pepperjack to keep my coat shiny.
Thank you and beware,
Wonder the Skull

Thou Shall Have No Other Skulls Beside Me...

I command that:
1. I am the Skull and the Skull, you shall have no other Wonders beside me!
2. Sometimes you gotta break away, but a Skull is all you need!
3. Live as if every skull is your last!
4. You shall have repect for thumbs, as they are opposable, and can grasp the word.
5. No Ramonas or Gertrudes allowed!
6. Pants are forbidden!
7. Wonder is never at fault, even when the cupcakes are missing and there are crumbs in my beard.
8. Turn the beat around.
9. Toenail clipping is strictly forbidden! And I mean it!
10. You are an empty vessel and the Wonder is your Skull.

Little Known Facts

-I was found in Spring Grove Cemetary on a hot August day.
-I am the sole heir of the amassed fortunes of Megan and the Boy.
-I play the accordian.
-I speak multiple languages, including Flea, Skull, Turd, and Mite.
-When relaxing, I enjoy backgammon.
-My forthcoming memoir will be available through Alfred A Knopf in February.
-People say I look like Frederick Douglass.
-When vacationing, I always check into hotels under a secret identity in order to thwart my many fans.
-I have six little nipples.
-All plant and animal life bows down before the Skull!
-I have been vaccinated.
-I broke my tail as a young lass, and it is crooked to this day.
-I can tapdance (look for me as an extra in Gregory Hines's ultimate tap film "Tap")

Three Bitches

These are the three bitches I was talking about.
This is Ramona. She likes to eat turds and and sniff butts. Ramona has many aliases. You may find her in the FBI Most Wanted files under: The Lou, Ramona-Lou, Lou-Butt, Loula, Loula-Pants, Loula-Bear, and Clownfish Face.
Ramona is best friends with Megan and Gertrude, but I don't really pay much attention to her because she's not worth this skull's time.


This is Gertrude. She thinks she's all that and a bag of bones, but I'm here to tell you that Gertrude is a usurper. She's always butting that big orange head of hers into the picture and pushing some lovely, gentle skull outta the way. If Gertie had a job, she would run the Tea Cup ride at the State Fair, or be a custodian at an orphanage. Gertrude is bad news, so don't listen to anything she has to say...especially about the Wonder Skull.

This is Megan. She's alright when she's not bossing me around. Megan makes me do the cooking and cleaning and scrubbing all day long. Sometimes I take pictures of her when she's asleep and publish them on the internet. I have also sold her three times to gypsies but she keeps coming back. She is trying to get between me and the boy, but I have a top secret plan to stop her meddling: it involves tin foil, a rubber mouse, and some easy cheese. Then, as soon as I get my thumbs, the boy and I will be together forever!

Hot Pics

This is me, the Skull

Opposable Thumbs

It's difficult without thumbs, you know...it' s that damn space bar that is always holding up my literary genius. That is why I have ordered a pair of thumbs from China. They should be coming any day. I used the Boy's credit card to make the transaction, and he hasn't caught on yet. Hopefully he won't notice the porn I charged, either.

Nipple Clip

This is what I did today:
--snortched in the yard
--licked my anus (it tasted like potato chips)
--wiped my face on the Boy's pants
--ate my breakfast (it tasted like dogfood)
--told Gertrude to go to hell
--told Ramona to go to hell
--begged for treats by sitting on my mat in the kitchen and looking at the boy for hours
--barked a some birds that invaded the yard, barked at that beagle who always walks by at 6, barked at the mailman, barked at Gertrude and Ramona, barked at a tree, and barked after Gertrude and Ramona barked to show that I could bark, too
--waited for Megan to come home and rub my belly
--watched the Boy clean the house so that I could make it dirty again, that was great
--panted and smacked my lips when they were trying to sleep so that the boy thre his slipper at me, which I dodged skillfully
--listened to Bob Marley

Calling a Skull a Skull

Hello Friends!
At last I finally harnessed the power of the internet. You will all be crushed under my thumbs!