Wonder Skull

A Skully Fairytale

2007-12-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Wonder.

She was a benevolent ruler and all of her minions adored the very hair between her toes. One afternoon after the daily rabbit turd harvest, Wonder turned to her advisor, the Boy, and asked, "What is the meaning of life?" The Boy, though Wonder's right hand man, had little to say about the meaning of life, as he had not yet discovered himself, but not wanting to anger Princess Wonder, he answered: Cheese. And some shoes.

Wonder was delighted. If cheese was the meaning of life, then Wonder's life was certainly a full one, as she had just begun production overseas in Greenland, where Andre the Giant was the forman of the cheese factory, and everyone that worked there wore t-shirts that read: Wonder's Cheese, Everyday, Please! Even more good news for Wonder, because the t-shirts had been designed by her close friend Matthew Barney, and they were selling like t-shirts designed by Matthew Barney. Needless to say, Wonder was having one heck of a day. And some shoes.

The End.

Me and the Boy: a Po-Mo Listing

2007-12-09T12:41:00.000-05:00

1. Ham sandwich

2. Sometimes I sniff his undies. They smell like: red, rubber dodgeballs; the bus station; three-day old mop water, snuffed-out matches; ear wax; used band-aids; duct tape; sharpened pencils; wet newspaper; that guy in front of you at the ATM.

3. I dream that we fly together through the Grand Canyon, arms outstretched Superman style with yellow scarves whipping behind us as we swoop down through the craggy cliffs, avoiding the birds, and dropping perfectly formed turds on all of the tourists rafting through the rapids. It's great.

4. When we walk together through the neighborhood, he tells everyone that I'm his girl. It's pretty clear. We've picked out rings and everything.

5. We've been taking ballroom dancing lessons.

6. I like butts.

7. Resume updating is tiresome.

8. Don't you like cheese?

9. On special occasions the Boy and I go out to the bars and pick up a drunk girl to bring home and torture with our wet flatulence.

10. Ham sandwich.

Back With a Vengence and an Update

2007-12-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

This Skull has been away too long!

Things have changed in our house, and so I'm no longer afflicted with having to share oxygen with

Gertrude, Ramona, or Megan. It's just me and the boy, the way it always should have been. We go on walks together, sniff stuff, sneak snacks of cat turds that lie baking in the grass, go to work, look at stuff, sleep on the couch, listen to music, write poetry, and I even have my own myspace page!

Needless to say, things are looking up for the old Wonderskull. Finally, I'm getting the attention I deserve.

I'm Back

2007-02-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I posted last, and I feel that my fans should know why: I have been in Borneo studying pygmy marmosets for the World Federation of Ridiculously Small Animal Research (WFRSAR).
While amongst the jungle creatures, I realized that I had a higher calling in life than to be merely a lonely skull in this cold, cold world, and that I should reach out to the other helpless dregs of the world in order to improve upon skull-kind. In this effort, I failed, because my wallet was stolen by this man. Unfortunately, with my wallet, so stolen was my philanthropic fervor. So I returned once again to Cincinnati, OH, to regail you all once again with my skull's life.

New Year, New Skull

2006-02-03T10:55:00.000-05:00

Considering that the ubiquitous "New Year New Skull" title is a month overdue, I'll have to skip ahead to "Groundhog Report 2006: What They Are Hiding". It has come to this Skull's attention that Groundhog Day is not only a ridiculous holiday, but also a Government Conspiracy to cover up the fact that President Bush and his cabinet are working on an international plot to control the weather! I think that this is a clear argument, considering that they are always saying that there is no such thing as GlobalWarming...because they control it!
I have to say I'm disappointed that various government watch-dog types (myself not included) have yet to explore the phenomenon of Punxsutawney Phil and his imminent world dominion through weather control. Wake up people! Soon ground hogs will rule the world!

Worm Eater

2005-10-15T16:33:00.000-04:00

Ramona has proven herself to be disgusting, fat, and horrid yet again: Ramona is eating earth worms outta the back yard. At first I thought she was merely harvesting them for our fishing trip, but upon further inspection of her spotted muzzle and fetid breath, Ramona gave herself up as a worm-eater, and is hiding in her bed. Perhaps it can be explained as a vitamin deficiency, but Megan and the Boy take care to supplement our diet with many treats and candies, including yogurt (which makes my coat shiny, and my flatulence moist and delicious). I hope that the Boy will shackle Ramona in the basement, because I'm tired of her worm-eating ways! If they don't do something about it, I will: it will involve strychnine, toe-nail clippers, a cactus, and some Flinstone vitamins. I'll show that love-pilfering butt-scrub a thing or two about what appropriate to eat! And then perhaps I can get that cooking show I've always wanted...

Ear Stank

2005-09-18T14:05:00.000-04:00

Megan is saying that I have an ear infection, but I think she's full of crap. This Skully is too fit for that shit. I am the pinnicle of heath and fitness. Why just yesterday I touched my toes. And in a foot race against Gertrude, I scored fifty points plus two for good sportsmanship. Megan has been chasing me around, trying the clean out my stinky ear, but I won't let her. I have hidden my precious ears in a top secret location where no non-skull can gain entry.
But that's not the point. The purpose of this entry is to say that I do not have an ear infection. Do you hear that Megan, this skull is clean!

Cancer Face

2005-09-04T09:23:00.000-04:00

Gertrude went to the Vet today on account of the strange growths she has been producing. They cut them off and she came back all drowsy and bandaged. The Vet said she has cancer, but that cutting of those moley-things should be ok. I sure hope so, cause Gertie is the Head of Perimeter Defense, and I can't have her shirking her duties just because she's sick. I suppose I could give her the week off, but then she'd think I'd gone soft...
Back to work Gertrude, this ain't no union gig!

Anus Lick

2005-08-18T10:42:00.000-04:00

Today I'm enjoying the taste of my saturated anus very much. As a skull, I find it necessary to ensure the cleaning of my butthole. If I am to be seen by my fans at all, it requires a thorough swabbing. Though I have assistants that help me with that sort of maintenance, I find that my own personal tongue does the best job.
Does anyone out there have any preferences? I prefer the "Lewinski's Constant Method" (seen below) which is simply licking over and over again, usually at night when Megan and the Boy are trying to sleep, and smacking my lips occasionally in order to free any debris. This leaves my sphincter sparkling and slightly moist, ready for the day's action. However, this method requires almost constant work, and I need to get back to it. Happy Skulling, friends!

The Skullbrain

2005-08-03T21:09:00.000-04:00

Megan says my brain is made of falafel, but I think it's made of cheese, like the moon.
When it comes to this Skull's brain, I like to fuel it with alfafa hay and any crumbs I catch in my beard. Crumbs are a great aid for mental acuity, at least, that's what I read in L. Ron Hubbard's new book Skullinetics: A great way to use crumbs for mental acuity. My skull also eats enchiladas, and I will take donations of half-melty Reese's Cups smothered in a creamy rabbit turd remoulade...my hungry belly has gotten me carried away. The Skull wishes for a snack! I'm going to bother Megan.

Hot Skully

2005-07-26T17:18:00.000-04:00

I have one hot skull.
It has consistently been in the 90s all week and I can't even let a turd out without sunburning my anus. Even Gertrude is on strike: she hasn't done a perimeter tour in over a week (her pay will be docked, mark my words!) Ramona lays around being fat all day, but that's no different than normal, except that she keeps leaving her hair all over my stuff--in my food dish, on my bed, on my toothbrush...the shedding has got to stop!
Whatever. I don't even feel like talking to the world today because my skull is boiling. I need an icepack and a Corona.

Gertrude the Enforcer

2005-07-20T09:53:00.000-04:00

Gertrude is the biggest skull in town. She takes care of perimeter defense. Although I am in charge, Gertrude is the brawn that scares away all intruders. She's big and dumb and orange, and her anus is purple, just like her tongue, so at least she is color coordinated.
When I'm on holiday, Gertrude takes care of the household duties, like cleaning up after the Boy, making sure the toilet paper roll is positioned properly, and painting Megan's toenails. Gertrude hates having her picture taken because she is a Native, and that means that every time I snap a photo of her, a little piece of her soul is taken away; that's why she always looks so pissed. But don't let her fool you, Gertie really is a happy skull, and good at her job, but like I said before, she's big and orange with a purple anus, so you can't expect much from a skull like that.
Gertrude also babysits Ramona, which is a good things because if she didn't, then I would have to kill Ramona. A full-grown, Nobel Prize-winning Wonder Skull doesn't have time for degenerates like Ramona to interrupt her thesis writing. It's a travesty that the Lou wasn't drowned at birth like her other brothers and sisters. Ramona is an ethnic Mormon. I'm going to mail her back to Salt Lake City one of these days.

Hot Pics Part Deux

2005-07-18T22:03:00.000-04:00

That's my bootie. Its' hot like lava.

Special Kind of Love

2005-07-18T18:52:00.000-04:00

My Best Friend

My Worst Enemy

The boy is an enigma to most, but I understand him like no other. Behind his calm resolve lies a heart so big that it can only express itself in bursts of extreme emotion (mostly love). His discipline, though startling and unpredictable, is necessary for making me a better skull. I'm not perfect, and sometimes need a nudge in the right direction. Help! he turned his back. This post is being written under the full force of das BOOT!
Never have I met a kinder, more concerned boy than the Boy. With only a smile and a twinkle in his eye, he can heal any bruise he may inflict upon me!

Ramona is a Whore

2005-07-17T12:40:00.000-04:00

I just found a magazine hidden under Ramona's bed.
It's called "Hot Bitch" and she's the centerfold! I should have know that tart would try something like this to get attention: Ramona has very low self-esteem. Look at these things...they're horrific! That coy smile tells me that she's begging for some love and affection. It makes a Wonder Skull very dissappointed. After having the rights of skulls come so far, Ramona has to go and pose for "Hot Bitch." It's a sad day for Skulls everywhere.

A Double-Triple Dose of Skull

2005-07-13T10:28:00.000-04:00

This is me giving a lecture to the Foreign Embassy on the importance of conserving our natural resources. I was given a standing ovation and some cupcakes.

I'm ready for my close-up!

Rainy Day

2005-07-13T10:12:00.000-04:00

This Skull hates a rainy day because my paws get all soggy and Megan yells at me when I track mud in. I try to blame it on Ramona (because she has long ballet toes and can therefore pick up more dirt and track mud through the house even better than I can) but it never works because Megan is always on Ramona's side. No fair! Ramona just lays there all fat and hairy with her lolling eyes and freakishly long tongue and Megan doesn't say a word. Where as I, poor Wonder Skull, get banished to the kitchen to sit on my mat and think about what I've done...Soon I will devise a plan to rid the world of all Ramonas. It will involve electricity, some potatoes, a burlap sack, a red Radio Flyer wagon, and the river. The they will forget all about Ramona because I will tell them that she got sick of being so fat and hairy and killed herself by playing in traffic (because Ramona is stupid, and would do something like that). Then this Skull will be the only one who gets showered with affection and presents, just like the old days.

An Open Letter to the Boy

2005-07-12T20:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Boy,
It has come to my attention that I am sorely lacking incertain creature comforts such as love, and petting, and extra treats on the weekends. I believe as the one and only Wonder Skull that this matter should be addressed tout suite! As I speak for all of the bitches in this house, it is imperitive that a skull gets the love she deserves, be it in scratches behind the ear, playing fetch, or in the shunning of Ramona at every chance (which brings this skull so much quiet joy). I promise, therefore, that if the aformentioned acts are not promptly carried out, I will terrorize you and Megan until I receive these things. Please include a snack of cheese in with these demands-- sharp cheddar or baby swiss will not suffice, I need some pepperjack to keep my coat shiny.
Thank you and beware,
Wonder the Skull

Thou Shall Have No Other Skulls Beside Me...

2005-07-11T20:20:00.000-04:00

I command that:
1. I am the Skull and the Skull, you shall have no other Wonders beside me!
2. Sometimes you gotta break away, but a Skull is all you need!
3. Live as if every skull is your last!
4. You shall have repect for thumbs, as they are opposable, and can grasp the word.
5. No Ramonas or Gertrudes allowed!
6. Pants are forbidden!
7. Wonder is never at fault, even when the cupcakes are missing and there are crumbs in my beard.
8. Turn the beat around.
9. Toenail clipping is strictly forbidden! And I mean it!
10. You are an empty vessel and the Wonder is your Skull.

Little Known Facts

2005-07-11T16:47:00.000-04:00

-I was found in Spring Grove Cemetary on a hot August day.
-I am the sole heir of the amassed fortunes of Megan and the Boy.
-I play the accordian.
-I speak multiple languages, including Flea, Skull, Turd, and Mite.
-When relaxing, I enjoy backgammon.
-My forthcoming memoir will be available through Alfred A Knopf in February.
-People say I look like Frederick Douglass.
-When vacationing, I always check into hotels under a secret identity in order to thwart my many fans.
-I have six little nipples.
-All plant and animal life bows down before the Skull!
-I have been vaccinated.
-I broke my tail as a young lass, and it is crooked to this day.
-I can tapdance (look for me as an extra in Gregory Hines's ultimate tap film "Tap")

Three Bitches

2005-07-11T12:49:00.000-04:00

These are the three bitches I was talking about.
This is Ramona. She likes to eat turds and and sniff butts. Ramona has many aliases. You may find her in the FBI Most Wanted files under: The Lou, Ramona-Lou, Lou-Butt, Loula, Loula-Pants, Loula-Bear, and Clownfish Face.
Ramona is best friends with Megan and Gertrude, but I don't really pay much attention to her because she's not worth this skull's time.

This is Gertrude. She thinks she's all that and a bag of bones, but I'm here to tell you that Gertrude is a usurper. She's always butting that big orange head of hers into the picture and pushing some lovely, gentle skull outta the way. If Gertie had a job, she would run the Tea Cup ride at the State Fair, or be a custodian at an orphanage. Gertrude is bad news, so don't listen to anything she has to say...especially about the Wonder Skull.

This is Megan. She's alright when she's not bossing me around. Megan makes me do the cooking and cleaning and scrubbing all day long. Sometimes I take pictures of her when she's asleep and publish them on the internet. I have also sold her three times to gypsies but she keeps coming back. She is trying to get between me and the boy, but I have a top secret plan to stop her meddling: it involves tin foil, a rubber mouse, and some easy cheese. Then, as soon as I get my thumbs, the boy and I will be together forever!

Hot Pics

2005-07-11T09:51:00.000-04:00

This is me, the Skull

Opposable Thumbs

2005-07-09T13:02:00.000-04:00

It's difficult without thumbs, you know...it' s that damn space bar that is always holding up my literary genius. That is why I have ordered a pair of thumbs from China. They should be coming any day. I used the Boy's credit card to make the transaction, and he hasn't caught on yet. Hopefully he won't notice the porn I charged, either.

Nipple Clip

2005-07-09T12:57:00.000-04:00

This is what I did today:
--snortched in the yard
--licked my anus (it tasted like potato chips)
--wiped my face on the Boy's pants
--ate my breakfast (it tasted like dogfood)
--told Gertrude to go to hell
--told Ramona to go to hell
--begged for treats by sitting on my mat in the kitchen and looking at the boy for hours
--barked a some birds that invaded the yard, barked at that beagle who always walks by at 6, barked at the mailman, barked at Gertrude and Ramona, barked at a tree, and barked after Gertrude and Ramona barked to show that I could bark, too
--waited for Megan to come home and rub my belly
--watched the Boy clean the house so that I could make it dirty again, that was great
--panted and smacked my lips when they were trying to sleep so that the boy thre his slipper at me, which I dodged skillfully
--listened to Bob Marley

Calling a Skull a Skull

2005-07-08T10:51:00.000-04:00

Hello Friends!
At last I finally harnessed the power of the internet. You will all be crushed under my thumbs!